broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Come back. Shots need mouths.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
