you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
