Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
