i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
