I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
