Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
