my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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