I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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