You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
