yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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