My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im about as happy as oj after his trial
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
