Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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