We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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