dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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