i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
