4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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