i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
