There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
