Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
