I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
