i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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