You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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