I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
