I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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