I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
