I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
