I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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