So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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