two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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