I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize