im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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