I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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