did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize