i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Just puked most of my soul out..
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