I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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