my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
