Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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