it hurts more in the daytime
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
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