I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
