I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
