I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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