yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
