The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Randomize
