What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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