apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize