If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
