I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
