nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
