I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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