He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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