I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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