my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
