I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
