I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
