i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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