i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
