I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
