260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
