i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
