I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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