Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
