I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
