I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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