Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize