In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
