I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
my shit smells like andre
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
