yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
