Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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