On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I am morally bankrupt
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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