Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize