I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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